I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
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*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice