shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
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Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Alexa: *deep breath*
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)