[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
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My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
This cat wants you to take your pills
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet