Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
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If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.