DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
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If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.