Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
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[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Mad Max Arctic Road
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Ugh
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
LMAO.
opening twitter today
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear