Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
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Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Reporter: *ports again*
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”