It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
You Might Also Like
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Seas the day!!!!
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”