clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
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Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Stop.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant