[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
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I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny