If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
You Might Also Like
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.