Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
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Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.