What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Alexa, make me look good naked.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)