I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
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Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
This January has 47 Mondays
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.