A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
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Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
i can’t wait that long
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.