Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
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Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
SCARY COSTUME
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.