17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
You Might Also Like
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.