things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
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*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Yup!
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family