[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
You Might Also Like
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
so weird how every mom was born today
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.