just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
You Might Also Like
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Accurate
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”