Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
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[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress