Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
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You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
The dark side of Canada
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.