“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
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Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?