Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
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If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.