Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
You Might Also Like
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.