Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
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Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?