Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
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I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Generation gap…
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!