Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
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I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.