If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
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I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.