Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
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INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I said we supposed to be saving our money.