Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
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At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today