My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
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3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”