Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
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I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Nice try, NASA
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I am a gravy boat captain
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.