I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
What
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle