I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
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Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
bias laundering edition
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.