Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
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Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills