If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
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From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.