Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
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don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
A new level of troll.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.