Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
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*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Me redecorating every room in my mind
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.