Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
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Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Sunday
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.