The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
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Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”