When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
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Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
there’s probably a fee though
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
reminder
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.