“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
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I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.