I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
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*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth