H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
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This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Breaking news:
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
a fate I wish upon no one
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that