cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
You Might Also Like
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
*3.5 thank you very much.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”