Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
This will never not be funny 😭
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Oh hi lol
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO