What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
You Might Also Like
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I just love that new Pope smell.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.