my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
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[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant