WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
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Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!